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| I realized I haven't posted anything in a very long time. My life has gone on, it has changed some for the better some..i dont really know. I spent a about two and a half weeks in China over the summer. Having never traveled very far and only been to Canada before, it really opened my mind to how different yet the same life can be 8,000 miles away. Needless to say, it was a wonderful experience and I loved every minute of it. The day I came home I started thinking of when the next time I would go back would be.
Summer is gone, so is David. He dumped me, almost out of blue. i guess I made him miserable, but I was surprised nonetheless especially since we had been doing so well and everything seemed fine to me.... most likely he met someone who could be better to him than I could. Though i really thought I treated him well... I honestly don't even know how to feel about it, I'm sad and empty feeling but I'm happy and free at the same time. I think it's made me a whore though. I'm too ambitious for my own good and it will be the ruin of me and my image.
School is threatening to own my fat ass and I'm really hating the fact that I'm not dorming. The commute every morning is just about one of the least favorite things that I do. Not only is the gas cost bleeding my wallet dry but the cost of the coffee I need just to stay awake while getting there is preventing any eventual resurrection.
I'm working at Kabuki again, and honestly its only been two weeks and I already want to quit. I'm bored with it, and my business with them is now finished. I feel free. Really free and I'm ready to go and do something else.
As of right now, I'm generally bored with myself. I'm making my own music but it sucks, there is only so much you can do with garage band. I am trying to become a pro skill piano player and I am always looking for parties; but I'm not sure if its because I want to be around people or if i just want to get fucked up... maybe both.
Ah college college college fun stuff. Lets hope a dorm will open up soon. I gotta get outta here. | | |
| Its kinda funny how I feel like my forcing myself to maitain a faith in something that only gives me greif. While I am slowly entering denial of something that is as solid as the rejection letters in my room.
I thought I was done crying... but I guess not. | | |
| I can't seem to get myself excited about college. Maybe its just because nothing is really working out how it was supposed to. How it had been planned to work out for my entire life. Its hard to get excited when its just disappointment from parents.
Sigh Every time it comes to mind. I feel like running to hide under a rock
Going to China this summer. Stressed about getting a job....why can't some nice person just throw 600 dollars at me? that would rock. MM Maybe i'll just go bamboo HAHA | | |
| Finally 18.
How long have I been counting down to this? How long have I wasted my time trying to be 18... just wanting to be an adult wanting to be able to do what I couldn't.... I realized I spent most of last year pretending to be 18...sometimes 19 and other times 20. And not nearly enough of that time being 17.
This birthday turned out to be nothing special, a gross disappointment. Its not like it was a major turning point in my life, where now my parents treat me better knowing the next big argument might actually make me leave, and they can't stop me now. Its not like I expected anything great from anyone, especially my parents. Its not like even after being let down by gifts I could easily afford out of my own pocket, i still held my breath fro that suprise, I still waited for someone to jump out "suprise, here's your REAL gift, gotcha didn't we?"
But things dont work out that way.
Even though I know this, I still wait for the suprise... | | |
| I think I need to stay off the internet. I can't go on anything anymore without being reminded of exactly the thing it is which I at all costs do not want to bring to the forefront of my mind. why? because I want to be happy. I want to be happy while I'm with him, while he's still here because every time I go online I get a reminder that he is going to leave. "its not decided yet" is a lie in my mind. If its not decided why, why.... why so much I go to leave comments on face book and I know its probably decided. but its not. right? I don't want to be like this. I've never been like this. Why am I like this? Why am I so selfish about the one thing I shouldn't be selfish about? I was never like this. I didn't love brian, or jaron or jino. but now, i love him and he will probably leave me. and even though i want to, i can't even follow him. why why why why why? why do things have to happen this way? why can't i just be happy? I am going to not think about this. even if it kills me. I don't want to think about this. I want to love him and I want to be happy. I want to not think about this.
Fuck the internet. | | |
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